Wait a Second!
by CaffinatedDreamSequence
Summary: In addition to chasing them with Orcs, Nazgul, and all wickedness, Sauron has decided that he wants to frustrate the Fellowship itself, not just it's mission. Poor Legolas! COMPLETED!...rating just to be safe I accept anonymous reviews. NO FLAMES! R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Wait a Second!**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. But I do own my coffee mug… my precioussss! **_

_Plot summery: Something bizarre happened in the middle of the night… Poor Legolas!_

The Fellowship of the Ring had just left Lothlorien and were rowing down the Anduin river. It was growing late, so they stopped for the night. After pulling the boats out of the water they lit a small fire and Legolas kept first watch.

As he sat and looked up at the sky he got a strange feeling… he couldn't explain it. In his stomach he felt a tingling, burning sensation and for the first time in his life, nauseous. He said nothing when Boromir awoke to relieve him from his watch, and went to sleep. It was then he had another first, he actually slept on his side, his back towards the Fellowship.

The next morning Legolas was not the first one up, which was highly uncharacteristic of him. Aragorn went over to his friend to wake him.

"Legolas! Legolas!" he shouted to the elf's back. "Get up!"

Legolas rolled over with a groan and Aragorn gasped in shock.

"Legolas… your… your…" Aragorn stuttered, pointing to his friends midriff.

"What is it Aragorn?" Legolas asked.

"Your… your…"

Legolas looked down and to his utter horror and amazement, his stomach was huge. Now, the entire Fellowship was looking over at the shocked elf and ranger, wondering what was wrong and why they were looking at Legolas stomach.

"You look seven months pregnant," Aragorn exclaimed.

The entire Fellowship broke into a chorus of, "What!" They all rushed over and gathered round the elf who was now passed out on the ground.

Aragorn commanded that all stand back and give him room to breathe. After shaking him a bit, Legolas was revived and immediately said, "I'm starving. I really want fish and lembas. With milk and honey."

Pippin gave a disgusted face and said, "Even I wouldn't eat that."

"But Legolas, we don't have any fish…" Aragorn began to say but was cut off by Legolas grabbing his friend's shirt.

"You don't understand! I WANT FISH AND LEMBAS!" Legolas exclaimed.

Everyone save Aragorn who was being tightly held, stepped back from Legolas with horrified and amused looks on their faces.

"I guess we could do some fishing, but we really must keep going soon otherwise," Aragorn began to speak again but yet again was cut off.

"I don't care. I want fish and lembas NOW!" Legolas reiterated.

"Very well!" Aragorn said. He was then released and immediately he and Boromir began fishing. Legolas was cranky and everyone there knew, you do not mess around with a pregnant woman… or elven man that seemed and acted pregnant… it was all too strange, but there was no time for musing. He wanted fish and lembas, and there was nothing they could do but accommodate as best they could.

After Legolas consumed three fish and one entire wafer of lembas they told him he could simply get no more and had to get in the boat. With great difficulty he stood up with the help of Aragorn and Boromir and Gimli and got in.

As they rowed down the Anduin, everyone wondered what on earth was going on. Legolas… pregnant… impossible in every way!

_A/N: The chapters in this story will be all sorts of crazy lengths… I know, I know, this sounds really weird, but bear with me. If you thought it amusing, funny, or whatever, just send a review! I like reviews! Almost as much as caffeine! YAY! But I hate flames. So no flames._


	2. Chapter 2

_**Wait a Second!**_

_**Disclaimer: Still don't own LOTR… still own coffee mug.**_

In the mean time, Sauron gazed down at the Fellowship from his tower, absolutely amused by the entire scene. He had been waiting many long years to use that spell, and at long last he was able! He knew, if no one else, that Legolas was not indeed pregnant, but he had all the signs of a woman that was. He had not had this much fun since he had had a body. He laughed to himself as he watched them all row down the Anduin. Oh how much fun this would be!

As Legolas paddled down the river he could not help but wonder what had just happened. After five minutes he got his head clear enough to set a foundation for his thinking: there was no way physical way he could be pregnant. Once that was established his mind began to reel at the possibilities of why his stomach looked like that. He had seen mortals with unnatural bulges in strange places. If he recalled correctly, the term he had heard for them was tumors. But they took a while to grow of a size that significance, so that wasn't it. He had known more than one human with a beer belly, but they definitely didn't look like his. Besides, he didn't drink beer hardly ever. As his thoughts progressed he became aware of the fact that his emotions were taking hold of him. He tried desperately to keep in total control of them, and failed miserably, ending in infuriating sobs.

Gimli, who was seated before him, turned about to see what troubled his friend, but before his face could see the elf's clearly Legolas yelled out, "Turn around if you value your life!" Gimli promptly obeyed, for he valued his life.

"Well, if we're stuck here, you might as well tell me what is wrong," Gimli said.

"No! I don't want to!" Legolas snapped, no longer sobbing, but still sniffling. "Do you have a handkerchief?"

"No lad, I don't," Gimli replied. "But the hobbits might. Row up beside them and ask."

"NO!" Legolas whispered. "It would be the death of me to have Boromir or Aragorn see me crying like this."

"As you will! It was just a suggestion!" Gimli said, wishing sorely he could get away from the cranky elf.

That night, when they stopped to rest, Legolas was full of complaints about the hard ground, his head, how he felt, and all around crankiness. Everyone was at a loss. What do you do with a male elf that wakes up one morning acting and looking pregnant? Boromir, as well as all the hobbits, stayed as far away from the cranky elf as they possibly could. In the meantime, Aragorn and Gimli were busy trying to comfort Legolas and figure out just what was wrong with him. In the end, everyone had to tolerate him and do what they could to get him to be quiet.

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Frodo was off contemplating what to do about the Fellowship and the Ring. Boromir was "gathering fire wood" and everyone else was sitting around and trying not to stare at Legolas' enlarged stomach.

Suddenly, Boromir came back to camp and they all went in search of Frodo. That is, all save Legolas. He stayed behind, sitting upon the ground and resolved not to move. He began to pity his poor aunt who had three children. He couldn't imagine going through a full term pregnancy and all these problems three times. He had only been in that state a few days and was already going mad. He was musing with ways to explain this all to his father with out getting locked away or killed when he heard Boromir's horn.

"Boromir!" he gasped. "I must go to his aid!" He slowly got up and then realized his bow and knives and arrows were lying upon the ground. He stared at them with vain hopes they would leap up into his hands, but then reality set in, so he bent over as best as he could and picked them up. After some difficulty he was armed for battle and running… well, jogging through the forest towards his friend. It was not long before he came across his first Uruk-hai.

He shot a few, and then realized he had to use his knives. With usual speed he whipped them out of their sheathes and slew the Uruk-hai, then instantly felt terrible and wished he had not. He had to fight for his life, however, so he fought through the odd feelings as best he could, and realized how great a hindrance a large stomach could be. At length they Uruk's were gone and he could make his way to Boromir once more. He walked up, with both hands on his lower back, rubbing it because it was so sore, and saw Boromir dead.

Once again, Legolas wept uncontrollably, but at least this time there was a good reason for tears… just not the uncontrollable sobs. There was rarely an excuse for sobs for an elf. Let alone an elven prince.

Boromir was sent over the waterfall in a boat, and the three remaining members of the Fellowship discussed what to do.

"Are you sure you can handle the pursuit of Merry and Pippin?" Aragorn asked.

"Of course!" Legolas said. "No problem." He added as he rubbed his back again. "But before we set off, I must ask a question," Legolas said.

"What is it?" Aragorn asked.

"What do you mortals do for a sore back?"

_A/N: HEHEHE! Next chappie will have Rohan! YAY! Review, don't flame. Flames burn._


	3. Chapter 3

_**Wait a Second!**_

_**Disclaimer: Still don't own LOTR… still own coffee mug.**_

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were surrounded by horseman. Eomer looked down at them sternly and said, "What business does an Elf maiden, a man, and dwarf have in the Riddermark?"

"First of all," Legolas said staring Eomer straight in the face. "I am an elven man, not an elven maid. Second, why do you care? We are only passing through. Third… you wouldn't happen to have any salted pork and beer on you would you?"

Silence. There was naught but silence. Every eye was staring straight at Legolas, who definitely did not have a female voice, but most certainly did not look entirely male. Eomer dismounted and got a closer look at the elf. He examined him carefully as Legolas wanted to lose his lembas because of the man's foul breath.

"Your face is that of an elven man, but…"

Aragorn spoke up. "We do not know what is wrong with our friend, we are trying to figure that out."

"I wish you luck with that. Now, what are you doing here?" Eomer asked.

"What about the salted pork and beer?" Legolas asked, only to be hushed by Aragorn.

"We are tracking our friends. They were captured by Uruk-hai. Have you seen them? They are small, only children to your eyes," Aragorn explained to Eomer.

"We killed a band of them last night. We left none alive and saw none that fit your description," Eomer said.

"What about the salted pork and beer?" Legolas persisted.

Eomer and Aragorn looked at Legolas with strange looks. Eomer's said, 'what is wrong with you!" and Aragorn's said, 'will you keep quiet! You are embarrassing me!'

Legolas only crossed his arms and gave a sigh, showing his annoyance.

The two future kings turned back to their discussion and soon it was all over and Eomer was riding off and Legolas was ungracefully mounting his horse. The saddle had been removed at his request, and suddenly the elf wondered if that was such a good idea. After three failed attempts and a leg up from Aragorn he was on, and more than glad to be off his feet and resting while Aragorn got Gimli up on the horse.

They rode off and made Fangorn by nightfall. Legolas was now so sore he wanted nothing more than to crawl into a tub of steaming hot water to relax his muscles.

The next morning he awoke so stiff and sore and sick feeling that he almost didn't get up. Aragorn and Gimli had to lift him to his feet and make him keep going. Once inside Fangorn Forest his spirits rose a little bit, because he was hearing trees chatting to one another. He felt young, and sick.

After insisting a break on top of Treebeard's steps, he saw Gandalf walk up. He didn't even bother to move, what was the point? Either he would live or he would die. He was too nauseous to care.

After the great unveiling, Gandalf walked up to his elven friend and said, "I have heard rumor of a pregnant male elf wandering about. It was you I see," he said with an amused grin. Legolas gave an unamused glare in return. Gandalf ignored it and said, "I think I know what ails you Legolas."

Legolas looked hopefully at him and eagerly asked, "What?"

"Well, I can't be completely certain unless someone did a full examination on you," Gandalf said, at which Legolas looked at him in horror. "But I am not about to do one, and I am confident in my guess anyway. You are under a curse from Sauron. Long ago it was learned among the wise that he had a curse to make anyone appear to be with child. We considered it an utterly useless curse so ignored it. Not even Elrond could foretell that this would come to pass. There is, somewhere within the walls of Orthanc, a spell which can remove this curse from you, but I obviously do not have anyway of getting into Orthanc right now. Perhaps I shall be able to figure something out on my own. In any event, you are stuck with this curse for a little while longer."

"I see," Legolas said blandly. It was good news, but not as good as he would have liked.

"Come, come now Legolas! It isn't so bad!" Gandalf tried to encourage.

"What do you mean this isn't so bad! Sweet Varda are you mad? It is terrible! If I am anything like my aunt it will only get much worse. I will be ill every morning sooner or later until it's all over. I can barely sleep as it is and I am certain sleep shall escape me until this whole ordeal is over. I am miserable Gandalf!" Legolas blurted out.

Everyone just stared at Legolas. He was getting crankier by the minute, making Gandalf seem like Tom Bombadill.

"Let us go," Gandalf suggested, breaking the silence.

_A/N: Ah! It only gets crazier and crazier my friends! REVIEW! No flames._


	4. Chapter 4

_**Wait a Second!**_

_**Disclaimer: Don't own it. Boo! Coffee mug still mine! Don't take it away! It's my precioussss…**_

They reached the halls of King Theoden, and guard at the door demanded they disarm themselves.

"Do you know what a pain it is for me to undo all of my weapons?" Legolas protested. "I am sore all over from riding and running for the last few days, I am under a curse, and I am sick. I am an elf! I am unused to illness!"

"I'm sorry, but you cannot go in with your bow and knives," the guard replied.

Legolas glared at him and cursed in elvish, to the surprise of Aragorn and Gandalf, as he undid all the straps and buckles. Once off he chucked it at the guards head and said, "You better pick it up and give it to me when I get back or so help me…"

"That's enough Legolas!" Aragorn said. Then added in elvish, "Death threats do not go over well."

Legolas nodded and they were permitted entrance. Theoden saw Legolas walking up the aisle, and once he could see it was indeed a male elf, he began to laugh. Gandalf and Aragorn had to grab Legolas' arms to keep him from doing something rash.

As Gandalf went to ridding Theoden of Saruman's influence, Aragorn found Legolas a place to sit.

"Thank you Aragorn," Legolas said as he sat down. "I am beginning to feel very sorry for Elwing."

"Why Elwing?"

"Because she had twins."

Aragorn stifled a laugh as best he could, but Legolas still heard it and glared at him. The more Legolas glared, the harder Aragorn wanted to laugh. At last Aragorn could not control himself any longer and burst into laughter. Gandalf turned and glared at him.

"Son of Earendil indeed," he muttered to himself. The wizard then knocked Theoden on the head with his staff and Saruman was driven out. Once this was over Eowyn came running up and Gandalf stepped down and went over to Aragorn and whispered fiercely, "Will you stop laughing!"

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Legolas grumbled as he mounted the horse, again. He had been hoping to spend the night at Edoras, and perhaps sit in an upholstered chair and sleep in a bed, but fate was against him in this.

"Do not worry Legolas, Helm's Deep isn't far!" Aragorn ribbed.

"Aragorn, you have been my friend since I met you, but by Elbereth, if you tease me any more on this matter you shall be my dead friend!"

"I wouldn't joke with him," Gimli said. "He's violent. It's the morning sickness. It starts him off cranky and leaves him that way."

"Quiet dwarf! Or you shall suffer the same fate!" Legolas snapped.

Gimli was quiet, but turned and looked at Aragorn and gave a wink. Aragorn just grinned, he knew that if he himself was not around to tease his dear friend, then Gimli would do it for him.

The moment they reached Helm's Deep Legolas dismounted the horse and left Gimli stranded on it.

"Come back here you pointy eared son of an elf king! I need off this horse!"

"Get off yourself!" Legolas said as he walked away.

Aragorn helped the dwarf off, and as he did he said, "Let us lay off of Legolas for a while. This is hard for him, and we've had our fun. Too much more and we will have gone too far."

"Aye! You're right. How long do you suppose?"

"Until he is cured. Then we can find something else to pick on him about," Aragorn grinned.

Gimli nodded and they followed after Legolas.

Aragorn caught up with him and said, "Legolas, I am sorry I have been so cruel. I should have stopped the teasing a while ago."

"You are forgiven _mellon nin_. No harm done," Legolas smiled.

They went to hug, then decided against it, so they shook hands instead.

Night fell on Helm's Deep, and the rain began to fall. Legolas stood with the archers, and wished he wasn't. He was beginning to wish he and Eowyn had switched places. Grant it, her uncle may not have liked that much, but he and her would have been delighted at the trade. He watched as the Uruk-hai came marching up, and wished dearly he could be in the cave. That cave sounded heavenly just then, and it would be dry, unlike the wall which was about to be saturated with rain. He sighed and kept staring. Never before and never again was he so eager to see ten thousand uruk-hai march up to him. He would have much rather had them all rush the walls and get the whole battle started than to stand there like a statue, in the rain.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of waiting around, they stopped. He knew there would be a little break while the uruk-hai commanders stopped, rallied the troops, and Theoden did the same. There would be grandiose speeches on both sides, and then they would begin. He rolled his eyes as the monsters began to slam their spears and shields together or on the ground and the men of Rohan waited. Then, they attacked first. He waited until Aragorn gave the command, and then fired. The shooting was a distraction from is problems for a little while, but then the ladders came. He cursed his ill luck. Now he would have to suffer in hand-to-hand combat once more. He found Gimli, more than ready to fight, and told him to be his body guard.

The first of the Uruk-hai came up the ladder and the hand to hand fighting commenced.

"What's a she-elf fighting for I wonder?" sneered one Uruk-hai. "Are the men of Rohan that desperate?"

"I'm not a she-elf!" Legolas yelled as he slew the creature. He was in no mood for banter. His disadvantage proved to his advantage in the end however, for he slew more and faster because he wanted to be out of there so badly. He beat Gimli's orc count by 14 but had no heart to revel in the dual victory. Instead, he laid down own a clean stretch of the wall and moaned for tiredness and stiffness.

When it was about time to depart, Gandalf came up to him and cheerily said, "I have good news my good elf!"

Legolas turned his head to face the wizard.

"We are heading off to Orthanc the day after we get back to Edoras. Your cure is with in sight!" Gandalf encouraged.

Legolas smiled until Gandalf told him he had to get up and get going.

Gandalf, feeling quite sorry for Legolas, decided to ride ahead as fast as they could and try to reach Edoras before the others. Theoden sent Eowyn with them so she could prepare a bed for the poor elf.

They reached Edoras nearly half a day before the others, for they did not stop at all, and Eowyn, with a limited number of giggles and many apologies, drew him a hot bath and prepared his bed.

The hot water lifted Legolas' spirits quite a bit, and being able to simply lay in a feather bed and stare at the wooden ceiling put him in quite excellent spirits indeed. When everyone else got there, he was in such a good mood that he greeted Aragorn, Gimli, and Eomer with a smile. He even managed to stay out for the celebration, but after two pints of beer he began to feel a little light headed, so he went back to bed, dreaming of walking into Orthanc and finding the cure first thing.

_A/N: Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter out! Kinda busy lately. Anywho… REVIEW! _


	5. Chapter 5

**Wait a Second!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own nothing but my coffee mug!**

The next day they rode off towards Orthanc. This was, a little out of the way, all things considered, but Legolas' condition had thrown Gandalf's travel plans into confusion. Besides, after that, on the way back south, Legolas could travel much faster, assuming the cure was indeed found.

They reached Isengard in good time, and once the affair with Saruman was settled, Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, and Gandalf ran full speed into the tower to find the book. Up one flight of stairs and around three corners was the massive library of Saruman. Aragorn took one look at it and raced outside to where the others were waiting.

"Will you all please help us look? Saruman's library is massive!" Aragorn pleaded.

"We can't read," Theoden shouted back. This was a lie, and Aragorn knew it, and he also knew it was fruitless to argue the matter, so he went back inside and began to look.

Saruman, however wickedly evil he may be, was a very organized wizard that put a table of contents in the front of each book. This aided the speed of the search tremendously, but not enough to get them out of Isengard before the day was over. For two days they stayed and hunted, climbing the shelves and stacking the read books until the piles were large enough to be called pillars.

"Here we are, at the very last book in Saruman's library. If it is not in here, we must look elsewhere in this tower," Gandalf said. He opened the table of contents and found nothing. "We must go hunting elsewhere," he announced.

Two overly annoyed faces, and one pitiful face looked at him in disbelief, then dragged themselves into other parts of Orthanc. For one whole day they searched everywhere from Saruman's stocking drawer to his kitchen pantry.

At long last, at the end of their hunt, when all hope seemed to fail, Aragorn came running up to the place where Legolas and Gandalf were searching, crying, "I FOUND IT!"

Gandalf snatched the book and turned to the page the cure was on. Legolas tried to look over his shoulder, but Gandalf kept shoving him away. At length he said, "Well Legolas, there is good news and bad news. The good news is, I can cure you. The bad news, I don't have three key ingredients needed and they are no where to be found around here. We have everything but one potato, an orc tooth, and the hair of an Mumakil, or Oliphant."

"Wait! I am sure I saw Merry and Pippin with a potato earlier!" Gimli cried as he ran out the door in search of the hobbits. Ten minutes later he returned with one whole potato.

"The orc tooth shouldn't be hard. The next fight we get into is sure to produce at least one orc tooth," Aragorn said. "In fact, we might be able to get one from Helm's Deep. We should go there on the way to Gondor."

"But what of the Oliphant hair?" Legolas asked. "Do they even exist?"

"According to hobbit lore," Gandalf said, "They do."

"Yes, let's trust a bunch of beer drinking, weed smoking hobbits for our animal knowledge," Legolas sarcastically snapped.

"If you want to be cured, I suggest you cling to this hope, no matter how beer battered or smoke filled it is," Gandalf retorted. "Now, I am going to gather everything else, and when I return, we'll leave."

Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli ventured outside and waited on the steps as Gandalf scurried about gathering the various things Legolas' cure would require. After they were found, Gandalf put them all in a large sack he found, tied it, and headed out the door.

"We're off!" Gandalf said as he walked down the steps.

Merry and Pippin left with the Rohirrim, and Gandalf, Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli headed off for Helm's Deep. They would stay there until Theoden met up with them, then they would all head off for Gondor.

Upon arrival at Helm's Deep, Aragorn and Gimli began to dig around to find orc teeth. After countless hours of searching the burnt orc remains, getting covered in ash, and becoming quite sore in the back, they found an orc tooth. When they returned to the place where Legolas was, they found him sound asleep and perfectly clean.

"Elven brat," Aragorn mumbled as he walked by his friend.

The orc tooth was added to the collection of things for the cure, and now all they had to find was an Oliphant hair. Assuming they even existed…

As Legolas slept he had a dream. In it he was chatting merrily with his aunt and Elwing discussing various symptoms they had felt. It was a nightmarish dream for the poor male elf, and when he awoke, he was crying, which was even more nightmarish. Legolas was growing sick and tired of being cursed. He felt utterly alone in his situation, which he was, and that he could turn to no one. No man would ever understand, and all the women he ran across either gave him strange stares or didn't look at all. There was no hope for comfort in his state… and the moment he realized that he was feeling this way, he rebuked himself for the emotional weakness. Instantly he began to wonder whether he should or not.

Sauron watched Legolas and laughed as he hadn't laughed in many a year. It was a new form of elf torment, more humane, in one way, and far more cruel in another. He was taking such delight in his sport that he failed to notice what the men of the West were doing, or to worry about hobbits. He did want his Ring, but at the moment, entertainment was exceeding desire.

_A/N: What do you think? The end is… no where close. Did you really think I'd let that elf get off that easily? Yeah right. Review! But don't flame… I don't like flames…_


	6. Chapter 6

**Wait a Second!**

**Disclaimer: I own very little… save the coffee mug.**

_A/N: You thought I abandoned this didn't you! HAHA! I didn't! Grab some popcorn and enjoy yourself!_

Gandalf silently walked up to Legolas, who was sitting with his face in his hands. The wizard sat down beside him and put an arm around him.

"Now, now Legolas. Have hope! You may be cured yet! And perhaps sooner than you think. Even now Theoden rides here from Edoras. We shall be leaving in short order. The sooner we get to Gondor, the sooner we shall get you cured," he encouraged.

Legolas only nodded, leaving his face in his hands. "Mithrandir," came his muffled voice. "What will happen if I don't get cured in time?"

Gandalf went to speak, but hesitated. He didn't really know. He told Legolas as much and promised to find out immediately. He ran off to fetch the book, and Legolas sat, feeling sick to his stomach with worry and the once welcomed smell of sausage and smoke. Moments later Gandalf returned.

"Do not worry Legolas. Judging by the size of your stomach we have two months. I'm sure we will get you cured by then," Gandalf said.

"And if we don't?" Legolas asked.

"But we will!"

"But if we don't!" Legolas insisted on asking.

"Your stomach shall continue to expand indefinitely."

Legolas began sobbing. Every Eorling that walked by gawked until Gandalf glared at him. Eventually the elf pulled himself together and stood up.

"Mithrandir, I'm hungry."

"Sometimes, Legolas, I swear you are an overgrown hobbit!" Gandalf muttered under his breath. Aloud he said, "Come on, we'll find you breakfast."

After a large breakfast Legolas declared himself ready to leave. He looked around to find Aragorn, so he could help him onto Arod, when he saw a company of Rangers riding towards Helm's Deep.

A smile graced his face, quickly followed by a frown. It was the Dunadain, and at their head were his two good friends Elrohir and Elladan. How loathsome it would be for them to see him in that state! Legolas, desperate for ways to hide his enormous stomach, wrapped himself in his cloak, and stood leaning on the top of a barrel, so it fell straight down from his neck. If he could manage to hold that position, or something similar, he would be fine. If not… he would have to think of something fast.

The sons of Elrond strolled up to their friend and greeted him. For a full five minutes they talked, and none were the wiser that something was amiss until Legolas had Gandalf show them to Aragorn. After the whole company passed, he followed, praying no one would turn around.

The moment he saw a free chair, he sat down, and rested his right ankle on his left knee so his stomach was partially obstructed from view.

Thus he sat until Aragorn came down, looking utterly terrible. Legolas wondered what was wrong with him until he saw a wrapped up palantir in his hand. He plopped down at the breakfast table and beckoned Legolas to come over.

With a quiet groan and a sigh he stood up with difficulty and walked over. Elrohir and Elladan noticed at once the size of Legolas' stomach.

"What in Middle-earth!" Elladan exclaimed. It was all anyone could say.

Legolas sighed as he explained the whole thing beginning to present. The two sons of Elrond tried very hard not to gawk or giggle, and did with some success.

"We will help you find all the ingredients for the cure, Legolas. Don't worry," Elrohir pledged.

Legolas thanked him, and then everyone got up and set off for Gondor.

-o- -o- -o- -o- -o- -o- -o- -o- -o- -o- -o- -o-

"Well, do we bring you or not?" Aragorn asked Legolas.

"I will not be left behind. And why would you leave me behind? It's just a stroll through the Paths of the Dead, and a ride down to Gondor along the river."

"Yes," Aragorn said, "But it shall be a hard road. And I doubt we shall have anything but lembas to eat on the whole trip."

Legolas frowned then said, "You're not leaving me here with Eowyn to stare at hideous stone statues!"

Aragorn grinned, and turned to go down the Paths of the Dead with the Dunadain behind him and Legolas next to him.

Once inside the cave, Legolas began to get hungry, so he turned around to hunt for some lembas in the bottom of his pack, and saw the ghostly shapes of dead pointing and laughing at him.

"You are so lucky you are all dead!" he hissed.

One of the dead soldiers heard that comment, and stuck out his tongue at the cursed elf. Legolas' temper flared up, and he would have gotten off Arod and personally made sure he reached the Halls of Mandos in pieces, but Elladan shook his head at Legolas and told him to let it go.

With a humpf he turned around and kept riding.

When they finally reached the stone of Erech, he was more than ready to be done with the dead, and wished Aragorn would speed things along. As it was he was ceremoniously giving a speech to the army of the dead. After having made his grandiose speech, he got down and said to Legolas, "Now for the easy part. They take the Corsairs of Umbar's ships for us, and we simply sail down the river."

Legolas smiled until he realized they would be going up river, not down river. When he tried to point this out, Aragorn, who was too distracted with the rotting corpses to hear his friend, told him to be quiet and he'd answer him later.

After boarding, Legolas was told he didn't have to do any work, and was permitted to go lie down below deck. He did until he felt sea sick. After that, he remained the rest of the voyage draped over the railing on deck.

Legolas was the first one to see Gondor on the horizon, and almost cried for joy at the thought of dry land. They sailed into the port, where cranky orc captains were yelling for the 'pirate scum' to hurry up and get out of the ship. Legolas' stomach was settled now, and he was in a very bad mood from not being able to sleep or eat well in several days. He, Aragorn, and Gimli leapt out at them, and a very, very cranky elf started carving his way through the orcs towards the city. As orcs ran up to attack, they would mock him, then they saw the deathly look in his eyes and stopped short. It was reported later that Legolas actually killed a few orcs with his looks, but some that were nearby claim they saw him shooting arrows at lightening speeds while giving them a death glare.

Once the battle was over, Legolas collapsed on the ground and began crying. He was so exhausted that he could barely move. After he was done crying, he laid there staring up at the sky. Suddenly, he heard Gandalf's voice off to his left.

"Legolas! Legolas! I have the Mumakil hair! I have the hair!"

The elf jumped to his feet just as Gandalf came up. The wizard held up the hair for examination, and Legolas almost did a back flip for joy.

"Come with me, Legolas. We'll get everything set and then we'll have you cured by morning!"

Legolas and Gandalf went quickly to the halls of the healers and put all the ingredients into a large black kettle. After saying a few incantations in various languages, the potion began to bubble and froth, and a strange green light was cast off from the liquid. Gandalf got a dipper and had Legolas take a drink. It tasted terrible. He would have spewed it out if it hadn't been for the fact he wanted to be cured.

The moment he swallowed the last drop, the world began spinning and he collapsed onto the floor. Gandalf picked him up and laid him down on a bed, while grumbling about Legolas being fat.

The next morning Legolas woke up and looked down and saw his toes. He almost cried for joy! He was cured! He got up and began to dance around for joy until his hair whipped in front of his face. His hair was leaf green. He flung himself onto his bed and cried, "SAURON! WHY ME?"

Every wounded solider in ear shot glared at him for naming the enemy, but Legolas didn't care. Gandalf and Aragorn came running in and saw the most lovely leaf green hair splayed out over the bed and gawked.

"Mithrandir! Please tell me you can turn my hair back to blonde!" Legolas cried.

Gandalf grabbed the spell book and flipped through it until he found the spell to remove that curse. "It seems that Sauron put an extension on the last curse you had, so when it was removed, this would happen. Luckily, not even Sauron can have three curses strung together."

"Thank Elbereth!" Legolas cried. "How soon can we get me back to normal?"

"Well, we need to gather more ingredients, and then it will take two weeks."

Just as he said that, Elladan and Elrohir came racing up the steps and burst into laughter.

"Terrific," Legolas said, closing his eyes.

_A/N: To make up for this chapter being so incredibly long in coming, I decided to make it longer. I hope you enjoyed it! Please review! Sorry it took so long. No flames!_


	7. Chapter 7

**Wait a Second!**

**Disclaimer: I own very little. And Tolkien's works are not amongst the little bit that I do own. **

_A/N: A thousand and three apologies for this taking thirty billion years to complete! Alas! A nassssty little thing called college has gotten in the way of my caffeinated dream sequences… sorta… I've had a few, (Thank you Turtle Frap!) but no time to write them! So, here they is!!!_

"Terrific," Legolas said, closing his eyes. He flopped backwards onto his bed and breathed deeply a few times before opening his eyes and staring vacantly at the ceiling. "Mother always said I was going to get my just desserts one day. WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE DURING A WAR!?!?!?!"

"I don't know," Gandalf snapped, "but you must get up and go back out there."

"Like this! I think not!" Legolas exclaimed. "This is almost worse than looking pregnant!"

To this, Aragorn and the Twins snickered, thus receiving a death glare from the son of Thranduil. Gandalf turned to them and gave them a look that sent them out of the room in a hurry.

"I disagree, and if you are going to be so vain and self-conscious about your golden locks turning green, then I highly suggest you wear a hat and get going!"

"A hat?" Legolas asked, as if this was a foreign concept.

"Yes. A hat. Or a helmet. Just something you can tuck your hair up in. But of course, if that is to tacky for you, you could always shave your head," Gandalf suggested.

"Shave my head?!?!!! Surely you jest!" Legolas cried.

"Surely I don't!" Gandalf said as he approached Legolas with a knife drawn, ready to hack off his leaf coloured locks.

"If you come ONE step nearer, Mithrandir, so help me I'll kill you!" Legolas threatened.

"Well, apparently the moodiness wasn't taken away with your stomach," Gandalf teased as he backed away. "Well Princeling, you have a choice. Go out as you are, wear a hat, or shave your head. But you can't stay in here for the rest of the war. We need you."

"Ooh! Very well!" Legolas said at last. He picked up his weapons and walked out of the Houses of Healing.

The entire way down to Aragorn's tent, Legolas was received with stares, snickers, and a few sympathetic glances from blonde women that had had their blonde hair dyed green by mischievous brothers. Green hair wasn't quite so bad as he thought it was… and now he fit his name just that much better. Okay, so he was grasping at fleeting comfort… but he had to do something or else lose control and just start crying. And he didn't have an excuse for it now.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Legolas lay asleep out under the stars that night. Well, what should have been stars. But it was utter darkness. Suddenly, a thought occurred to Legolas… Why should it take two weeks after they get all the ingredients? This made no sense! So off he bolted to Gandalf's room on the fifth ring of the Citadel. Into Gandalf's room he charged and woke the sleeping wizard.

"What do you mean it shall take two weeks for me to get cured?"

"It will take two weeks for me to gather all the ingredients," Gandalf crankily snapped in reply.

"What do you need that shall take so long to get?"

Gandalf sighed and said, "I need to get lava rock from Mount Doom, for one thing. And unless we beat Sauron, we can't get it. The reason this will take two weeks is because there isn't a chance we could defeat Sauron before the end of two weeks."

"Oh. Well, if you were to somehow get it prior, could I be cured faster?" Legolas asked.

"Yes, you could! Because I have everything else. Now, you inquisitive elven brat, leave me alone and go back to sleep!"

Legolas left the room and began scheming. How could he get this lava rock faster than two weeks? He sighed. He couldn't. The only thing he could hope to do was dye his hair.

Dye his hair… that could work! He had seen Arwen dozens of times dye her hair blonde so she matched her friends! Surely, he could dye his from green to blonde! He quickly recalled all the things she used and set to work on finding them.

_A/N: So it's a transitional chapter. Review! Don't flame! More to come and swiftly!_


	8. Chapter 8

**Wait a Second!**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Sadness.**

_A/N: Alright, it is, all done. I wrote this at work today, so if it seems weirder or something, it's cuz it was written under the influence of fast food and industrial strength cleaners. (I work fast food and I do dishes while I'm there and some cleaning stuff.)_

"Stupid Denethor!" Legolas muttered as he walked dejectedly back to his room. "Gondor _would _be out of the basic supplies for dying your hair! Just like humans to not have the essentials when they're needed!" The green haired elf flung shut the door behind him and flopped down on his bed. "Two weeks. I have to suffer with this green hair for two weeks. Maybe I could start wearing a hat…" he mused as if it were _his_ novel idea. A smile snuck across his lips until he remembered the hats he had seen on the commoners as they were coming in. "So maybe a helmet would be better." He commented to his thoughts. "Yes! That's it! I shall wear a helmet and armor! What more natural thing than that in a time of war?" Nearly giddy with this realization, he bounded off to the armory to find a helmet and armor.

A heap of various rejected pieces of armor sat scattered across the floor. He couldn't move in half of this. "I suppose I could settle for jerkin and chain mail with a helmet. That wouldn't be entirely unusual," thought Legolas. Upon finding a helmet in which all his hair fit and a jerkin and chain mail shirt that he thought suited him, he returned to his room to sharpen his knives.

The day to march to Mordor came and no one, not even Aragorn blinked at the elf wearing a helmet. He had at Helm's Deep, after all. He had also demanded fish and lembas with milk and honey… There wasn't much the elf could do at this point that could shock or surprise Aragorn.

Legolas, who was really just trying to hide his green hair from the few people that hadn't seen him yet and Sauron and his legions, was pleasantly surprised to learn that when his hair was covered, everyone forgot it was green at all. At this point, his odd behaviour was the new normal, and so no one even blinked when he acted strangely. Life seemed "normal" for those days on the march. But this would not last long because Sauron was having entirely too much fun to let the elf get away with wearing a helmet.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

The lines were drawn. The forces of Mordor were facing the free West. Things looked grim, but Legolas wasn't concerned with the odds. He was concerned with the cackling from the seemingly intelligent crows that were flying above his head, which is precisely why he failed to join the immediate rush with Aragorn and was scrambling to catch up. With out warning, a crow came down and knocked his helmet off, causing all the orcs around to start teasing and laughing at him as they tried to slaughter him.

Sauron, who had just realized the Ring was practically sitting in his volcano, found himself incredibly torn. He so wanted to laugh at the elf and yet… he must tend to his Ring! Yes! The Ring! Thus, he turned his attentions from Legolas to Frodo, and in so doing missed perhaps the prince's greatest slaughtering in his entire fighting life.

Legolas' mood swings had swung from pleased with himself to out raged at Sauron, orcs, Mordor, and all things green. He fought brilliantly and a bit haphazardly while screaming things like, "DIE EVIL!" and "SAURON, YOU SUCK! I HATE YOU!" Sauron didn't pay attention to Legolas again until he heard, "You're master was a hamster and your spider smells of elderberries!"

The elf's timing with that insult could not have been better, because it was just then the flaming eye turned from Mount Doom to the green haired prince and it was then that the Ring went flying over the edge into the fire.

Later that evening, when Frodo and Sam were all taken care of, Legolas hunted down Gandalf and whined, "When you can dye my hair back? I wanna be a blonde again!"

"Legolas, do not worry, you have always been blonde. Never doubt that," the wizard replied. "Be patient! I have other more pressing matters to attend to. Once they're all done, I shall grab that bag over there that has everything in it and bring it to you with 2 buckets of water and we will turn your hair back. At this point, it looks as if it will be after the coronation. I'm quite busy you know. And I must go now!"

Gandalf hurried out of his tent as Legolas gave a horrified cry and then turned his attention to the bag.

"If Gandalf thinks I am waiting til after the coronation because there are "more important" things, that is fine. I shall just turn my hair back myself!" and with that, Legolas grabbed the bag and snuck away to his tent. He then demanded two buckets of water be brought to him swiftly. Upon getting them, Legolas mixed everything together and was about to dump it on his head when a better idea struck- he would test part of his hair to make sure it was all done right first!

He took a small bit of hair and dipped it in the concoction and screamed. "PINK! MY HAIR TURNED PINK!"

Gandalf heard the cries and ran as fast as he could to Legolas' tent, accompanied by Aragorn, and beheld the elf. His hair was still flaming green but now there was a four inch bit at the end of one lock that was pretty princess pink. Legolas was holding it and sobbing. Aragorn was doing all he could to keep from laughing his head off, and Gandalf was flat out laughing at the elf.

"You ridiculous elf! You did not say the spell!" Gandalf said. With a sigh he added, "Since I'm here, let me do it." He beheld the mixture and held a hand over it and said something in some language Legolas had taken in school and promptly forgotten, and then stirred it with a wooden spoon. It seemed a bit thicker than it had for Legolas. Gandalf took a palm full of it and rubbed it between his hands and then scrubbed it into Legolas' hair. The foam was at first white, then bright red, then it started to tingle. Legolas cried out and then Gandalf took the other bucket of water and dumped it over Legolas' hair.

"There! Now, will you leave me alone?" Gandalf asked as he handed Legolas a mirror.

Legolas saw his gorgeous blonde locks around his face instead of the scary green ones, and he noticed he at last felt normal again. "Thank you Mithrandir," he quietly said.

Seeing and knowing that Legolas was finally back to normal, Gandalf smiled and said, "You're welcome, Legolas."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

It was several days after the coronation and Arwen and Aragorn, and Legolas were sitting around in a small room with a hearth talking.

"Aragorn, Legolas, you both must tell me of your adventures after you left Lothlorien. I have not heard much of that until the day Frodo destroyed the ring," Arwen said.

"Very well!" Aragorn mischievously grinned. "We were not more than a few days out from Lothlorien, and Legolas awoke one morning and he was preg…"

Legolas cried "NO!" as he flew out of his chair and tackled Aragorn to the ground.


End file.
